Mental Toughness - Get a Grip
Mental Toughness - Get a Grip!
Bad events do happen, unpredictable events happen. For mental toughness and resilience we need to strive to keep negative events, together with our responses in proportion. We need to gain perspective, as some events are clearly worse than others. We are responsible for how bad we perceive events to be and it is within our control how we react to them. It is the attitudes and beliefs that we take to events (and not the events themselves), which determine whether we will be overwhelmed and become victims, or whether we will be resilient and recover. Our thoughts, emotions, behaviour and physiology are within our control.
When we are faced with unwelcome events and circumstances, we may often lose perspective and get things out of proportion; we may “awfulise” and “catastrophise”. We may see small events as catastrophes or awful when they are just the inconveniences, errors and frustrations of everyday life. If our responses are out of step with these small events, then we will have an even greater difficulty handling the truly bad events. With this in mind, here is an excellent technique for mental toughness.
It’s not the end of the world
“Awfulising” and “catastrophic thinking” are terms used in cognitive therapies which describe a tendency to exaggerate the negative aspects and consequences of past, present or future events. Awfulising and catastrophic thinking make serious events such as divorce, redundancy or injury even more distressing. This type of thinking can also occur with everyday events such as being late for an appointment, missing a phone call or someone being rude to us. We may “blow things up out of proportion” and what may be a minor irritation or event gets magnified; things can be seen as “horrible”, “terrible”, “awful”, “tragic” or “the worst that can happen”. We can quickly lose perspective and think, “we are doomed and it’s the end of the world!” Awfulising stems from rigid and demanding beliefs such as, “shoulds”, “musts” and “have to’s” that have been violated by or others, ourselves or life’s events.
Anti-Awfulising scale
In order to get things into a more realistic perspective and not see things worse than they are, we can use the anti-awfulising scale. This works by rating events from 0 – 99 in terms of how awful or catastrophic they seem. For example, if we say that at the low end of the scale, with an awfulness rating of 1, is sitting at home watching a bad movie whilst drinking cold tea, and at the other end of the scale with a rating of 99, is something truly awful and catastrophic such as a loved one dying, serious illness or being critically injured in an accident. Then we can rate other upsets in-between these extremes.
When upset about something we may initially give the event a high rating and see it as terrible and awful, but if we use the anti-awfulising scale we can then accept that this is an exaggeration and get a more realistic perspective on the situation. Changing our thinking will get our emotions, behaviour and physiology back in control. For example, we will be less likely to be angry, strike out and have raised blood pressure or be anxious, avoid people, similar situations and have panic attacks.
Most of the everyday events that upset us, will be nowhere near the 99 rating and may not even be as high as 5, such as missing the bus, losing a parking space or disagreeing with someone. When an event happens that is more distressing such as losing a job or a relationship ending, we may again give this an initial high score, over 85. However, in time and after some reflection we will once more be able to gain a clearer perspective and get things back into proportion. We will accept that we are not the first person to lose a job or a relationship and won’t be the last. Also we know that people do recover from these adverse events and find new relationships and jobs.
Anti-Awfulising Questions – Get some perspective!Here are some anti-awfulising questions, ask yourself
- Is this really awful or catastrophic?
- Where is it on the anti-awfulising scale?
- Is this really a disaster?
- Does anyone else really care about it?
- How would someone with a positive attitude view this problem?
- Will this matter in 3 years’ time, 1 year’s time, 1 week’s time, 1 hour’s time?
- What’s the worst that will happen and how likely is that?
- How is this catastrophising helping me to reach my goals?
- How does this awfulising make me feel better?
- What’s the good thing about this problem?
- How can I turn this to my advantage?
- Is this really the end of the world?
The fact is, that no matter how bad an event is - it could always be worse.
Use the anti-awfulising scale for mental toughness and resilience in order to get things into perspective and proportion
Life is tough, you are tougher
Stop awfulising. Stop catastrophising.
Stick with it, persevere, get a grip
Kind regards
Phil Pearl, Clinical Hypnotherapist
Phil Pearl DCH DHP MCH GHR Reg
MENTAL TOUGHNESS Hypnotherapy London
10 Harley Street
London,
W1G 9PF
Tel: 020 7467 8548
www.mental-toughness.co.uk
phil@mental-toughness.co.uk
©Phil Pearl
Mental Toughness Hypnotherapy London
Phil Pearl
Mental Toughness Hypnotherapy London
Five Key Principles of Mental Toughness and Resilience
Five Key Principles of Mental Toughness and Resilience
Throughout our lives we face
change and challenges. Nothing stays the same; the good times don't last but
neither do the bad times. People and places come and go; the world changes and
so does our place within it. To survive the changes we need to be adaptable and
refocus on our objectives. We may have to modify who we are and how we are, in order to face the new realities.
We must strive to find opportunity in adversity. Of course, all of this is easier
said than done. In this article I have highlighted five key principles of
mental toughness and resilience.
Rational Thinking
We are what we think. When we change our thoughts, we change how we feel and
act. Rational thinking and rational beliefs are the foundations of mental
toughness and resilience; they assist us in our aims, objectives and survival.
Rational beliefs are flexible and non-extreme; they are based on reality and
the available evidence. The emphasis is on seeing things as they really are and
keeping any negative attributes in perspective and in proportion, so that we do
not over-react emotionally or avoid challenges. If our thinking and beliefs are
dogmatic, rigid or extreme we remain trapped in the past and are doomed to
repeat the same mistakes. The key is to ask ourselves "how is thinking or
behaving this way helping me to feel good or achieve my goals?"
Rational thinking is resilient thinking and helps us build our tolerance for
frustration and discomfort without making "mountains out of
molehills" or seeing a situation as being worse than it really is. The
fact is that things could always be worse. Our rational thoughts and beliefs
are essential to overcoming unhelpful emotions and behaviour such as anxiety,
depression and avoidance. By changing our thinking, we change who we are, how
we feel and what we do.
Responsibility
Mental toughness means that we take ultimate responsibility for our thoughts,
emotions and behaviour, together with responsibility for our decisions and the
likely consequences of our actions. Events and conditions will of course have
an impact and an affect on us, but we are responsible for the things that come
within our domain of influence. Events can only upset us if we allow them to.
Nothing and no one can bother or disturb us unless we grant them permission to
do so. We choose what we think, how we feel and what we do.
To be resilient we need to take responsibility, otherwise we will tend to view
ourselves as pawns and victims. We may blame everyone and everything for our
conditions rather than take active steps to change whatever we are capable of.
At times we may all seek to blame the government or this or that corporation
for the way our lives are, but the ultimate responsibility is still ours. We
are ultimately in control.
Adaptability
For mental toughness and mental health in general, we need to be adaptable. We
may seem mentally healthy when we are suited to the conditions around us, such
as our jobs, relationships and home. However, if these conditions change and we
are unable to adapt, then we are at risk of poor mental health. Change is
uncomfortable but we need to accept some discomfort and pain in order to learn,
adapt and survive. If we remain static and fixed in our outlook, the world
moves on and leaves us behind.
Resilient people do not see themselves as victims of change. They do not
complain "why me" and demand that bad things must not happen to them.
Resilient people see bad events as a normal (although unwelcome) part of life;
they adjust to the new reality. Evolution favours those who can adapt to new
environments and realities; we must be relentless in our adaptability,
ingenuity and creativity to survive. This is true of individuals and
organisations
Commitment
Mental toughness and commitment is having a clear idea of what we want out of
life - our goals, objectives and purpose. If we don't know where we are going,
then any road will take us there. It is healthy if our commitments extend to
different areas of our lives such as our relationships, careers, health and
home rather than be focused in just one or two areas. It is also helpful to be
committed to things outside of ourselves such as charity work, local groups or
political concerns. A key aspect of commitment is that it provides us with
meaning in our lives. If we ask ourselves, "What is the meaning of
life?" then our commitments and goals should provide the answer.
Having goals and being resilient means that we will keep going and problem
solve in the face of setbacks and difficulties. When life knocks us down, we
will pick ourselves up again. We will tolerate short-term frustration and
discomfort for our long-term gain. Resilience and persistence are key; most
people simply give up.
Confidence
Confidence is our belief in our ability to get things done. Our confidence will
vary according to different circumstances and events. For mental toughness and
resilience we need to consistently increase the areas where we feel confident.
We may prefer to stay within our comfort zones but the world changes and
eventually all comfort zones will become uncomfortable. Our comfort zones
become comfort traps.
To be more confident we need to be accurate in our appraisal of threats. If we
perceive that challenges are unrealistically dangerous or threatening, then we
will not take action. If we avoid failure then we also avoid success, so we
need to take calculated risks and step out side of our comfort zones. To be
resilient we need to be less concerned how others may view us and what we believe they are
thinking or saying about us. We need to challenge our self-imposed limits and
our restricted views of reality. We don't see things as they are; we only see
things as we are.
I hope you find these principles useful, there is more information and articles
on my website.
Kind regards
Phil Pearl, Clinical Hypnotherapist
Phil Pearl DCH DHP MCH GHR Reg
MENTAL TOUGHNESS Hypnotherapy London
10 Harley Street
London,
W1G 9PF
Tel: 020 7467 8548
www.mental-toughness.co.uk
phil@mental-toughness.co.uk
©Phil Pearl
Mental Toughness Hypnotherapy London
Phil Pearl
Mental Toughness Hypnotherapy London
Mental Toughness for High Frustration Tolerance
Mental Toughness for High Frustration Tolerance
Here is an essential principle of Mental Toughness
We all experience frustration when our needs, wants and demands are not met, or when we are faced with obstacles that impede our progress. Frustration is a fact of life; therefore our ability to tolerate frustration is crucial to the successful achievement of our long-term goals.
When we are easily frustrated and upset, we are said to have, Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT). If, on the other hand, we are less disturbed or upset by short-term frustrations, and persevere through difficulties, we are said to have High Frustration Tolerance (HFT). Developing High Frustration Tolerance is vital to good mental health and a key element of Mental Toughness in life and sport.
We all know that in our everyday lives, we will face obstacles, difficulties and hassles. People will let us down, trains won’t run, cars won’t start, we will have to queue and wait to be served, items will be out of stock and call centres will be busy. Amazingly enough, we habitually demand that these things do not happen, and that life should always be… the way we want it… easy, fast and without any hassle. So we may often complain, bleat, moan and rage. We may cry and whine that we are being “stressedout” or scream that we “can’t stand it!” The psychologist, Albert Ellis, called this “can’t-stand-it it-is”.
Having Mental Toughness means, that we must accept responsibility for our thoughts, emotions and behaviour. If we have Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT) it is within our power and within our control to change the beliefs that cause us to feel frustrated.
Here are some of the common
beliefs that cause LFT
I must not be frustrated
I cannot stand to be
inconvenienced
My life should be easy
I shouldn’t have to work hard or
train hard for the things I want
Things should always work properly
It’s awful when things don’t go my
way
I must be comfortable at all times
I must not be deprived of what I
want
I can’t stand to do things that
are boring or unpleasant
I cannot stand to endure poor
service, stupidity and lack of attention
Here’s an example. Many people get frustrated when queuing and waiting at supermarket checkouts but with some people their frustration gets way out of proportion. Some people get so angry at not being served quickly, that after a few minutes of huffing, puffing and tutting, they finally throw a tantrum, dump their groceries on the floor and run out swearing at everyone… It’s hardly grown up behaviour is it? Also, they will still need to get their food at some point, so it’s not pragmatic and goal directed behaviour either… Not big, not clever.
Here are some common thoughts that people have in this instance
I cannot stand to queue and wait
I’ll be here forever; I CAN’T
STAND IT!
I cannot stand waiting for slow
and idiotic people
This is really boring and dreadful
I’ll go mad if they don’t move
faster
If I don’t get out of here my head
will explode
I must be served right away, NOW!
Here are some common beliefs
It’s terrible to have to stand and
wait in the 21st century
Why can’t they organise things
effectively
It’s awful to waste my time like
this
People should focus on what
they’re doing and move faster
There should be more tills open
for my convenience
My time must always be spent
efficiently
There should be a separate queue
for idiots
Does any of this seem familiar? (my contact details are below). An effective way to build mental toughness and combat Low Frustration Tolerance is to dispute the thoughts and beliefs that underpin the frustration. Again, the focus is on preferring not demanding. Here are some coping statements for supermarket queuing and life’s general frustrations.
Get a grip; it’s not life or death
It’s inconvenient but I can cope
with it
Of course I can stand it, it’s
really not that bad
Sometimes things don’t go my way.
TOUGH!
There is no law of the universe
that says things must be the way I want them
I don’t like it but I can handle
it
I would prefer not to queue but
it’s not a disaster if I have to
It’s a hassle but I can live with
it
Dry your eyes and stop crying
Get real; I won’t be here forever
Stop whining and whinging
As well as disputing our thoughts and beliefs, we can also use behavioural disputing. Behavioural disputing is a great way to test whether we really “could not stand it”, or whether we would really go mad and our heads explode. To do this we could choose the longest and slowest checkout queue and when we got near to the front leave the queue and go to the back again. Similarly when in traffic queues rather than weave in and out to the “faster lanes” we could stay in the slowest lane and gain tolerance and control over frustration.
Small children are used to having their needs and demands met; they are inexperienced and when faced with frustrations, they cry, scream and throw tantrums. As we get older and become adults, we learn that frustration is a normal, everyday part of life.
Therefore, we need to develop High Frustration Tolerance, persist through difficulties and have Mental Toughness.
Phil Pearl DCH DHP MCH GHR Reg
Mental Toughness, Resilience & Hypnotherapy
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF
Tel 0207 467 8545
phil@mental-toughness.co.uk
Phil Pearl
Mental Toughness Hypnotherapy London
Mental Toughness Thinking - Staying Goal Directed
Mental Toughness Thinking - Staying Goal DirectedBoth in sport and in the game of life, we are all encouraged to have goals – to set objectives and have targets. When we think of goals, usually we only consider the big long-term goals, such as winning a championship or buying a home. However, it is often our everyday goals and actions which we need to focus on, in order to increase our happiness and make life more enjoyable. Our thoughts, emotions and behaviour can either support or undermine us in our pursuit of goals and objectives. Goal directed thinking and behaviour keeps us focused us on our aims, objectives and survival. In this article I have included some tips and examples to keep you goal directed and mindful of your everyday goals.
Staying goal directed means that we are personally responsible for our thoughts, emotions and behaviour. Therefore we are personally responsible for our outcomes and are in control. It is our thinking and beliefs that cause us to have negative or harmful emotions such as anger, frustration and irritation. These emotions can then have an impact on our behaviour towards situations and other people.
For example, I may go to a party - think that I’m unattractive (thoughts) - feel depressed (emotions) - drink two bottles of wine (behaviour) - have a fight with my best friend (outcome). Does this sound familiar? (My number is at the bottom of the page)
Here’s a sport example. A player on the opposing team quietly insults you – you choose to take offence (thoughts) – you become angry (emotions) – you shout abuse at the opposition (behaviour) – the referee sends you off for misconduct (outcome).
So, by recognising that our thoughts and behaviour are not supporting us and are self-defeating, we can dispute them and choose realistic thoughts to maintain perspective and stay goal directed. To stay goal directed we could ask ourselves simple questions about our current situation and circumstances. The key is to focus on the here and now.
What is my goal here?
To have a pleasant journey
To enjoy my evening
To have a loving relationship
To get on with people
To effectively communicate with my children
To stay healthy
To win the match
To have a successful career
To work harmoniously with my colleagues
When having negative thoughts and emotions we can stay goal directed by asking ourselves this pragmatic question:
How does thinking or behaving this way help me to feel good or achieve my goals?
Does being angry with peoples’ noisy ipods and phones help me relax and have a pleasant journey?
Does worrying about how I look help me enjoy my evening?
Does blaming my partner and staying angry help me have a loving relationship?
Does demanding that others have the same beliefs as I do, help me get on with people?
Does shouting help me to communicate with my children?
Does eating fatty foods help me stay healthy?
Does fighting with my team help us win the match?
Does being late help me have a successful career?
Does blaming and labelling my colleagues help the team effort?
Simple isn’t it? As long as we remain mindful of our goals and objectives in everyday situations we can adapt our thinking and behaviour to obtain them. It’s just a case of taking a moment to reflect on our goals, before harmful emotions such as anger take a hold of our actions. Mental toughness thinking - is goal directed thinking. Put this into practice today, maybe before you make that phone call, enter that meeting, run that race or… go on that date.
Regards
Phil Pearl, Clinical Hypnotherapist
Phil Pearl DCH DHP MCH GHR Reg
MENTAL TOUGHNESS Hypnotherapy London
10 Harley Street
London,
W1G 9PF
